January 15, 2021 “Be your higher self to get the work done. Stop Forgetting. Remember why you’re here.” This morning on Clubhouse in a room called “Breakfast with Champions: The Millionaire Breakfast Club”, I was listening to Brian Culhane, Myron Golden and Akemi Sue Fisher discuss wealth creation and brand management, where they draw inspiration from and other ways or staying motivated enough to do the work and to keep showing up. There were some gold nuggets that I wanted to share. “God creates as speaks god – abracadabra -“ “Success and being inspired is about curiosity.” “Write the Goals down. Set health, fun and family goals. Hit them and then find better goals.” Therapy in the form of degrees. I was so traumatized by Singapore and unhealed mother wounds that I needed to get three degrees so that I would not feel like I was stupid anymore. I was such a terrible student and was called ‘stupid’ and ‘an idiot’ and that I was ‘useless’ throughout the years of 9 – 19. My step mother came from a very abusive childhood and didn’t learn how to claim responsibility to heal her trauma and passed that onto me and her children. I believed that we all internalized some of her by inadvertently. When I chose to call her ‘step mom’ instead of ‘mom’ which was what she wanted me to do out of fear, (her ex-husband had sent loan sharks after her and she didn’t want her name passed around when we were out in public because she was in financial trouble when she started dating my dad.) As a child I would have done anything for a normal mother. My real mother was mentally unstable and there was a lot of running away and violence in my childhood. Shelters, homelessness, women’s homes…. She kidnapped me a bunch of times and there was not a lot of stability in my formative years. So when my step mother asked me to call her mom I acquiesced out of understanding and possibly desperation. However, I did not realize that in that moment of agreement, I had abandoned my own mother. I psychologically removed my own mother because she was unable to fulfill that role. The lack of clarity around that situation and how I actually felt towards my own mother, my new mother and a new older step sister from her first marriage has translated into a lack of clarity around my own mothering of myself. I am unsure of what I want. Three degrees later and I still struggle with imposter syndrome. I now own a business, lead an arts collective in New York City and have a New York City relators license and yet I am still struggling financially and emotionally with understanding what I want. On the outside it seems like I have all this amazing stuff going for me but on the inside is a child that has not come to a full understanding of who she is. I still struggle with finding the goals that match what I want on the inside. Maybe I don’t want anything except to be on the road traveling. I am the happiest when I am traveling. If I can travel and cook, meet new people, share and write stories, find a beach everyday or a waterfall I feel like that’ll make me pretty happy. Oh, and also get paid for doing all that. While I teach Minecraft a few days a week while I’m on the road. I am not blaming my childhood for where I am now or what I am struggling with – I can see how my past was necessary in helping me understand the aspects of humanity that I have been put here to solve. These last few months have been a pivotal awakening into my higher self. This is the way of shadows. These relationships remind me of how I do not want to end up. I get to pick and choose what I want to take and what I want to leave behind without shame or guilt or doubt or fear and the decision to pick death over life lies with those individuals who continue to bring others down so that they can feel right about their choices and justify what they have done by refusing to claim responsibility of the abuse that happened. I am no longer looking for an apology or an acknowledgement of my pain, because there is no need to revisit those gates of hell. There is a rainbow unicorn land filled with glitter and sparkles and yummy free food with clean streets and exercise stations with amazing music and cute fluffy things waiting on the horizon for me and it is my one and only duty to manifest what has been shown to me. To engage with trauma by intellectualizing what happened is abstracting the events in a way that does not necessarily make space for transmutation. I cultivated emotional distance from what happened and used language as a way to bypass the lived experiences that clamored their way through my psyche. Writing gave me time away from the performative. It demanded that I stay silent and still for extended periods of time. The work became more internal and serious. The politics of life – my own and the environment that I continued to put myself in. Three years ago I was sitting in the bathroom recalling events and I started crying and shaking. I realized that I had not shared my music for all these years because the unsealed sounds would tell me how terrible I was, she would barge into my room and tell me to stop playing music. When I was soothing myself in the bathroom I was soothing my hands, loving them back into being, telling myself that I was a beautiful singer. I was naked and sobbing on the toilet seat. I found out today that while I was listening to the Millionaire talk on Clubhouse, that BIRDS, a song that got produced (thank you Mike Tierney) about a month ago with Brooklyn based drummer thank you Nate Harris and guitarist from North Carolina, thank you Evan Harris, played on the radio in Singapore today. I also found out that the song got chosen for the CATCH THE MOON LIBRARY which means it is going out to Partners from the Sync world which means it now has a chance of getting picked for commercial purposes. Also, I played my first live show (I was really just practicing and knew I needed to get better at performing live cos I get too nervous and my hands get sweaty) on IG last night and made $7. I’ve never made money from music before. A stranger thanked me for “the kind concert.” I love these beginnings. These are the seeds, the germination process of something beautiful that I know is going to happen one way or another. Making music is my purpose. It took 17 years before I allowed myself to heal from the trauma in my childhood, of taking responsibility for my life by healing the wounds that were never mine to begin with. What’s trippy is how we’re all connected and that whatever I went through was necessary, again, for me to understand abuse so that I will be able to relate to the people who I will serve in the future. When I was teaching Robotics in the Bronx, I always found it strange how the kids found my jokes funny, like we were cut from the same cloth in some ways. Now I understand why. Ezekiel 1:20 is a reminder that we are all one. Ease into ambiguity. Take The ACE Quiz — And Learn What It Does And Doesn’t Mean Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera Uncovers Ways to End Your Self-Sabotaging Habits | Women of Impact On Raising Your Frequency, Letting Go of Anger, and What To Do If You Can’t Meditate…
Dear meat and plastic producers, If you cared about us, you would stop serving meat and plastic immediately. You would close the slaughter-houses, you would end plastic production, create new ways of sourcing food – not having “organic” be a category because that means that the methodologies of creating non-organic food still exist. (find a way to determine best practices of agriculture – historical – farmers almanac – are we in a different natural rhythm with Gaia? Explore this with greater specificity), end cigarette and alcohol sales, actually shut down the industries that contribute to the war on water – encourage each other to go plant based – the path to veganism confronts many inherent embedded tunnels of social, moral, ethical, spiritual, mental, emotional, psychological modes of oppression that have been historically rooted in slavery, anti-semitism, torture, slave-labor, (explore difference between slavery and slave-labor as it pertains to our modern world of cheap labor in factories vs. the lynching and eradication of a race -) Prostitution of all forms – I would count the feeling of dread one feels on a Monday morning as an invitation accepted to prostitute oneself into oblivion with the occasional cigarette break – what is the difference between the sex worker and the office junkie? Movie to watch this weekend: Finding Joe. I don’t know who is reading this or what they get out of these posts but I believe in myself and the work that I’m doing. I know without a doubt that one day all these posts are going to be re-visited and my 16 views will be 600,000 views – and I will get paid to write these blog entries and get invited to travel and write articles about places and people, because what I have to offer is valuable. I’ve always been someone who shares my ideas and I’ve always been unafraid to share them. Sometimes the people in your life who you expect to love you unconditionally will be the same people trying to tear you down. Shine anyway. The rest will fade as the dragons get slain. Here’s a little slice of joy And another