There is still so much I would change on this album. I probably will, sonically at least, some parts stick out in ways that make me cringe, but I said May 6th, which means May 6th. I will need to recover the corrupted files (yes 2 weeks before the completion of this, my laptop “couldn’t load” the original files which made it impossible for Alex to mix and master these tracks the way that a song like BIRDS sounds like. I wanted to release this project and stick to the release date, mostly because I could not hold this project in any longer. With that said, thank you for taking the time to listen to these tracks and for giving me the space in your head.
Here I go…
2018 was a year of completion. I finished my relationship with higher education, graduating with an MFA in Writing, got my heart broken by someone who I thought I was going to marry, moved out of my first apartment in Brooklyn to travel with my family before making my way back to Singapore - where I spent a month in confusion - do I move back to NYC? Stay in Singapore? Move to Oregon?
Between living at home (something that was not mentally sustainable for me), receiving the downloads while I was in Hawaii about needing to end the production of plastic and the truth that was calling in my heart, I decided that I was going to pack my guitar (the same guitar my dad got me when I was 13), buy a one way ticket to America and pursue music.
I didn’t know what “pursuing music” meant - except that I had been writing music since I was 12, silently hoarding all of them on tiny cassette tapes, playing a random gigs between the ages of 15-17, being in bands where the guys needed a singer but ended up stealing my songs and band names (none of which were that good), and eventually melting myself into the world of Musical theatre between the ages of 17-19. That was 2011. Almost no one knew I was writing music for 12 years, not even the people I dated.
I believe that it was this aspect of myself that moved me to Tennessee, this secrecy that I could no longer hold onto demanded that I get right with myself. Friendships were ending, romantic partners were falling away, I was getting fired from almost every job, (or quitting because it was not in harmonic resonance with my soul i.e real estate), something had to be made right. I knew I could not continue until I understood exactly what music wanted with me. With a stroke of luck and bravery, I managed to buy a 1993 Dodge Ram van, stuffed it with my instruments, clothes, a few cooking things and half of my book collection. (The rest are sitting in a shed in Long Island) After a short stint in New Jersey, Micah and I climbed into the nameless van and set sail for Tennessee. I gave myself 5 months to finish the outstanding projects. It is May, 2022. I still have A-Side of this album to record, 4 chapbooks, a short children’s story, a short non-fiction piece, and a boardgame to complete before I’m able to truly be done with my time here.
Yet, what is this rush that is calling me back? To where am I supposed to leave the woods for? What is demanding of my energy so desperately that I feel this surge of urgency to “get these things done”? Idk but I have a feeling it has something to do with my Singapore conditioning - another aspect within myself that I am learning to un-learn, slow down, realize that I am alive and in a body that has needs, a spirit that needs silence, and a heart that needs deep, meaningful relationships that is grounded in soul work.
It’s almost been a whole Jupiter cycle in my sun sign since I left Singapore when I was 19. I am half way done with this album compilation. I wanted to release this side of the album first because I needed to wrap things up. Time was moving in a way was making it harder for me to justify dragging this process out + I needed to stay accountable to myself (to complete something when I say I will complete it, (thank you Singapore conditioning)
This album is a beehive of love. An ode to the old, a nod to the new, and a peace sign to what is.
“Everything is Pencil” is a quote that the invigilator for the New York City realtors exam barked at the hall of future realtors before we started the NYC Realtors exam. This was my 5th attempt and I was determined to pass (thinking that being a relator would give me the financial security to pursue music) (NOT) She stood next to me and told me to put my bag under the table, told me to leave the room when I waned to drink water, and kept picking on me as soon as I sat down for the exam (coming over to the table to “check” on me, standing next to me when she made announcements, (anyone who knows me since I was 13 knows that I attract banal administrative authority figures who piss me off, who I then offend with my “I don’t do authority attitude” and the cycle continues.
Something changed that day. After she barked “everything Is pencil” for the 3rd time next to my desk, I knew this was going to be the name of the album. I went up to her after I finished the exam, handed her my piece of paper and the yellow pencil she gave out, and thanked her for naming my album. Her over-worked government body was tickled enough to laugh and thank me.
So in some ways, this album is dedicated to the invigilator.
I ended up passing the exam and spending two years practicing real estate in NYC which tore away at my soul. I quit in April 2021, got on unemployment and started the foundations for this album.
I could write about the temporal nature of life, our collective suffering and the translucent nature of how “everything connects”. Yet I feel that undermines the very message of what this album “is about”. Between the both of us, you reader, and possible listener, and me, Ana Not Ana, the artist behind this project, we know that life on this earth plane can be made a lot easier for many people, including ourselves. This album attempts to draw the connective tissues between these algorithms of pain, illustrating “the how” of seemingly unrelated aspects - i.e our dietary decisions as contributors to global war, plastic as the manifested material of oppression and any decision that supports The Matrix contributes, on some level, to our collective imprisonment.
I encourage you to watch the “about” videos that I made. You can find them as attachments to each song to gain further insight into the backstory of each song.
Please email me 1991ananotana@gmail.com with any feedback, ideas or suggestions. I would love to hear your thoughts about the album, or to hear from you, reader, in general.
“Pursuing music” is a daily choice to show up, practice scales, transcribe the recorded tracks on my phone, work at the lyrics, and record demos before hitting “record”. I will keep making music. I will keep releasing music.
Thank you for staying here, for visiting this page, for giving this project your ears and energy.
I look forward with patience as I continue to share more of what I have.
Also, Cosmic Kitty, my other half, is putting together a newsletter. If you would like to hop on that please email cosmickittyinspace@gmail.com She is gathering jobs, free events, festivals, chapbook releases, recipes and Things to Apply to - these will also hold information about our Titties gathering and workshops held with our play space, Liberatory Learners. You can find out more at www.cosmickitty.space
Until the next release and message, A.N.A credits released May 6, 2022
Music by Ana Not Ana Lyrics by Ana Not Ana Production by Ana Not Ana Album Cover by CK Mix and Mastered by Alex Talhinhas
Thank yous:
Micah for always being there, waking me up, pointing to what needs my attention, for giving me a reason to continue when I didn’t want to, for being my guide, best friend, listener and companion. You are the brightest light in my life and I could not have done any of this without you.
Alex, for coming through at the beginning of the week and offering to mix and master this album for me.
Joshua, for being my #1 supporter from day one and for introducing me to Alex.
The people who let me stay in this house while I made this album. Thank you for making sure that I had a safe place to cry, scream, fight the demons and rest while I birthed this project out with spirit.
The acting and modeling work that allowed me to exchange currency to keep myself alive while living in the woods, to the people who gave birth to my corporeal body that allowed for specific doors to stay open.
Tennessee, overall - for your cold mornings, golden fields, rock formations, highways to Nashville and Memphis, the simplicity of sweet tea and hushpuppies + your night sky.
Nashville and the open mics that helped me gain a new sense of confidence on stage + friends made along the way - the circumstances that have led me to certain people, places and opportunities that I would have never thought was possible before moving here.
My Higher Self for getting me here + for completing this project. Thank you for always coming through as soon as you see and feel me struggling. For giving me cute moments with butterflies, spiders, lady bugs, birds, caterpillars, squirrels and deer to lift my spirits, for always making sure I had something to eat, even when there was hardly anything.
The Internet - for connecting me to the entities when I needed to communicate, for letting me send my reels and audition tapes out so that I could find work + find open mics to perform at.
Every single musical influence, ever: to name a few: Alanis Nadine Morissette, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Eminem, The Doors, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Bob Dylan, Taking Back Sunday, Lauryn Noelle Hill, Eilleen Regina “Shania” Twain, Avril Ramona Lavigne, Sarah Ann McLachlan, Foo Fighters, Angus and Julia Stone, Maribou State, Flying Lotus, Parov Stelar, Keys N Krates, Tokimonsta, Zhu, Kraak & Smaak, Olufela Olusegun Oludotun Ransome-Kuti, Toro y Moi, Flume, KAYTRANADA, Glass Animals, The Internet, Erik Satie, Bonobo, Rüfüs Du Sol, SBTRKT, Gold Panda, Quasimoto, Darkside, Chrome Sparks, Parra for Cuva, Elderbrook, Joey Bada$$, Milo, ODESZA, Cherokee, H.E.R, Cat Clyde, Empress Of, Sheryl Crow, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Odd Mob, Tinlicker, Lane 8, Moon Boots, Yotto, Tegan and Sara, Rachael Yamagata.
Late nights with my DAW, guitar, mic and GarageBand.
Crying sessions that showed me the depths of my heart and what I am fueled by.
The Wind for keeping me steady.
My own sense of wonder and curiosity that kept me pushing through sonically.
My bravery for committing to living alone in the woods for the last 7 months, knowing that I had to do this to move forward in my life in a different way, to not repeat mistakes.
Every single heartbreak that kept me grounded.
My musical self in 2018 and 2019 that wore me down into lyrical mayhem while I went through my first spiritual awakening.
The 8 years of institutionalized education that set the critical foundation for the years to come.
The family I was born into and found.
The friends who supported my music since I was 13.
Dancing.