January 9, 2021 “For me, the pain of dying is going to be the impossibility of visiting that site one more time.” – Etel Adnan A cloud around my auto pilot love aura – not for you – yet – more – in between – the stagnation of last time- bumping up against what we do not know and being okay with the pain is questionable – is love enough ? – shallow love – yet not – my own forgetting – understand that the romance shifts – duplicity – paradox – parody – understanding ourselves – in relation to each other – being okay with not having – for awhile – each other’s attention – the love – present – under wavering – unable to forget – feeling – like the knocking always – unforgettable – unshakable – n – the letter – you – unsure. – I shake my body to the music you play – a shadow – one and ahalf flamingos and three seashells – best friends with me always – a loud fart – energy escapes from my orifice – I laugh – you stay silent You take a snap shot of something that I associate with myself realizing that your eyes were saying something different – during that time on the roof – what I know as a shadow – that keeps me spiraling down a story that keeps confirming itself in present time – as if by magic we are co-creating a story that no longer belongs to us – swayed by our collective fear – ruthless love – for ourselves and what we are both willing to do to protect ourselves from pain – the discomfort of being together – the pleasure and joy and love in the same sandwich – you touch your face and I read that as you bringing me down – or drawing attention to my imperfections to humble me or teach me about loving myself in those moments of non-love – and instead of avoiding the pain or discomfort I choose to face it – the shame that you bring – not being secretive about what I feel – it feels like it gets absorbed in the moments – as if the only way to encounter you is to reject you – in ambiguous loud moments – perhaps it is how you enter my space and punctuate the – Micah pops her head in the corner of the door – I see her through my periphery – and do not turn my head – asking me why I respond differently to her and to him – if I frown – I lick my lips because they are dry not because I want you. It still falls back – in these moments – the beyond – ushering – something you might use against me something that feels like you will – like you are a bad person – in that admitting I see my own failures and shortcomings – in the privation – in the way that I feel – towards myself – which is perhaps – an understanding on your end that we both have not yet come to a full comprehension of ourselves – yet there is a calling for self acceptance first – before we can be together. Perhaps it is I who must start to be honest with myself about this partnership. I would rather face these messages without fear than to encounter them later on with regret. I break the incense stick inside the porcelain cat that Sun gave me and think about a cat getting its backbone ripped out and doing it anyway to get the incense stick out from the carved out oval meant for liquid – shoving another incense stick through a hole in its paw and forcing it in, stopping myself only when I realized again what I was doing – Animal things – “It’s covid” like it’s – “winter” or “spring” How quickly we normalize catastrophe. Found myself challenging linguistics on formal forms when I was asked to input a “company” name to sign up for Homebase. I was re-directed to Homebase by St. Claire, who picked up the phone when I called the Human Resources Administration (HRA) Rental Assistance Call Center at 929-221-0043 to ask for a list of landlords who work with clients who were given vouchers from the government. Titties is not a company. I can say that much. A company is a militarized noun. Other words like A academy admiral advance Air Force aircraft aircraft carrier ally ammo ammunition amphibious vehicle armistice armor armored vehicle armory arms army arrow arsenal artillery assault at ease attack attention B ballistic barracks base battalion battery battle battlefield battleship bayonet besiege billet bivouac bomb bombard bombardment bow and arrow brig brigade bullet C cadet camouflage camp cannon cannon ball canteen captain capture carrier casualty catapult cavalry chaplain coast guard colonel combat command commander commanding officer commission company conflict conquest conscription convoy corporal corps covert crew D decode defeat defend defense destroyer detonate division dog tags draft E encampment encode enemy engage enlist ensign epaulet evacuate explosive F field hospital field marshal fight fire fireteam fleet flotilla force formation fort fortification front furlough G garrison general Geneva Convention grenade grenade launcher grunt guerrilla gun gunner gunnery sergeant gunpowder H headquarters helmet honor hospital howitzer I infantry injury insignia intelligence invade invasion J jeep jet K kill L lance corporal leave lieutenant lose M machete major maneuver marines marksman medal medic mess hall MIA midshipman military mine missile mortar munition musket N national security navy neutral night-vision goggles O offense officer ordinance P parachute paratrooper peace peace treaty pentagon petty officer plane platoon post POW prisoner of war private PT boat Purple Heart Q quartermaster R radar rank reconnoiter recruit regiment rescue reserves retreat ribbon rifle rocket artillery S sabotage sailor salute salvo seaman section sergeant service shell shoot shot siege sniper soldier spear specialist squad squadron staff star stockade submarine surrender T tactical tactics tank task force theater tomahawk torpedo troops truce U uniform unit V veteran volley W war warfare warrant officer warrior weapon win wound Y yeoman Z Zulu time
Our energy gets dimmed when we shine our light. We must keep ourselves in high spirits when confronting this work because it will inadvertently attract followers of all types. Protecting our energy becomes vital. There are different types of beauty. We are a witness to it all. This is every 0:20 at every hour it is 420 somewhere which means we light up at 0:20pm on the hour every hour – Staying sober is also an option. Here is a little piece of joy.