The Anti-Aesthetic: Inconsistency as resistance to normalized hyper-productivity (and why that is a good thing)

January 7, 2021 Boards with neon colors grabbing our attention, mine, maybe yours, with their symmetrical configurations, like Monday, the organizational tool. There are recognizable tendencies and patterns within the spheres of digital marketing and advertising, where one learns codified manipulation tactics to induce desire. Sacred geometry implored for diapers, a work out mirror, $3000 bedsheets. I forget where the phrase “aesthetics will kill you” comes from. The fight is on to see how far I will use these skills to make things better for the rest of the world starting with the women and young girls. The men as well. We will have to fight for them as well. In another way. Not in the ways where we put ourselves second to their needs. What they must learn is how to come into their emotional intensity and to love themselves as much as they deserve. Everyone deserves to feel good. Not everyone knows how to get there. I want to feel good while learning graceful ways of encountering pain. Instead of being confrontational and arrogant as I can be, detached and emotionless, devoid of empathy. I turn it off to survive. I too have my dark side. The shadows are there in sight for a reason. We all do. The places are worth going to and seeing for yourself. Everyone deserves to see Paris. Do not let it burn before then please. The tears must come at least once a day to feel the good things that will come after. It doesn’t want us to feel fully because it knows it is in that sacred place, where no one really knows us, where only we know, and it, a relation, unavoidable, a glitch. Where we heal and stop being afraid of it; the “it” thing that is tied to ego. What we have been taught to care about instead of paying attention to; our individual journey is all the documentation we need to continue barreling forward. If anything , it is our duty to illustrate the possibility of breakage. If you don’t love me now you won’t ever love me again. As we cross the bridge into Manhattan, it becomes another type of demon. This is why we blow our noses when we cry, to allow it access to leave the body. Or when someone sniffles, or coughs, it needs to escape or else it remains inside of us. We must learn to transmute it within ourselves, to turn the liquid into something else. Teach people that they have what it takes to access their god within themselves and to start treating themselves like the gods they are without the things they want us to believe we need in order to feel good, to make us feel like we can start to believe that we are gods. We can change the atmosphere of the vibrational frequencies when we tune into their external energetic scopes. The attention is penetrated and people are suddenly made aware of each other and our collective humanity that we are all implicit in complicity creating. The connection is palpable. To change the vibrational frequency I must not be afraid of the attention that comes with such territory of trust within the universe and what it has given and showed me and what I must not squander away on frivolous issues that distract from the work that must be done energetically. The lady across from me gets up and people prepare for their departure. To feel good about myself requires that I let go of my own fear of being who I am in public or anywhere else where I am who I am. An understanding of comfort and feeling the correct things to trust themselves above anyone else. Speaking to the spirits that have joined me on this journey allows me to speak to the spirit gods above to speak to the people around and to always be in a state of love and light and to heal and not let the demons cloud my mind to make me believe that it is not possible when it is. The Chinese man comes on the train and rubs his knees, messaging them with his palms, little strokes of love. “Thank you for carrying me places” I can hear him say. The camera eye tilted toward my direction and I look at it with the side of my eyes and cry. Letting the nods and tears be seen. This is New York City. No one cares if you sob uncontrollably in public. This is why it feels like home. To be seen through feels like plexiglass. Thank god for this mask to catch my snot. The unconscious decisions are dangerous. We can all sense these things. We are all part of the greater place. Joy is my birth right. An affirmation that Kassandra speaks about in her Yin Yoga sequence that we did yesterday. To include the proper things and not wallow around in sadness. Log the silences and then dance and forget about them and if you want love then give it to yourself first and not let the thoughts cloud yourself. Always moving through it. Now I remember again what I must be doing. To let the good things flow. Protect my energy. Broadway Lafayette has an interesting energy. The people are catalysts for an equal exchange; a peaceful way of life. They uncross their legs and I am not going anywhere – we know who we are and the asking of the questions are performative in the end moment to moment if I were to swing into this mode of being it will all work out and everyone we encounter matters – because we are actively switching around the bases of survival – The orange walks onto the train and it feels correct the color is correct and the different things that we saw are coming true I cannot wait to meet you – in real life – in person – the doubt wants so badly to come in and take what goodness I have created and it feels like an infringement of my life and I am the most important thing to keep alive after my spirit of love that I have for Micah and the bubble I will create to take her with me wherever I go – the creature that is magical – I must go on a run today – The three things you do when one moves to NYC. They start seeing a chiropractor, a therapist and a bike. The chiropractor because NYC will show you just how out of balance you are, a therapist to listen to how out of balance you are and a bike to clear your head and have a reason to go to “a park” – Once you are at “park level” in NYC, you start becoming aware of how important it is to have a park – the whole of Manhattan understands this – Butts are a very nice thing. Because it lets us get rid of our waste. It is an indicator that we have the ability to process. And the ability to change and move things around. Nice butts are a visual encounter. It can be an aesthetically pleasing thing to encounter. Or it can set us off into directions of chaos if we are unprepared for a visually attractive butt. Attractive people make me become a better person because I am forced to encounter the shadows that arise when I see them. Attractive people make me become a better version of myself – forced to deal with my bullshit. So attractive people already serve a purpose. We don’t need to go out of our way to dress them up in fancy clothes and make them also rich right? It’s like okay, so you were born with long legs and a symmetrical face and your body type has been actively pinned against the rest of our sub-conscious on some level – so then feeling beautiful becomes this lifelong quest to eradicate the pent up angst that some of us have held onto while we fall back into the warm pit of who we are – to move at my own pace feels like a slowing down of time – maybe the fairy princess from the HOUSE OF YES was reminding me to find my pace and keep to it – there is a slight chance that she might have said something different – I cannot remember all of that night –
The structures that came before are helpful. They have been helpful in designing infrastructure, our roads, buildings, schools, hospitals, entertainment arenas etc. In our creation of language and logic, mathematics and measurement, hierarchy and time, we’ve managed to synthesize an experience into a symbol, a hyperbole, a price tag. The Trump supporters who stormed capital hill yesterday showed us another glaring sliver of reality that should we choose to ignore, will, in its own way, explode in our faces. In the in-between moments, consistency is the key that unlocks the different flavors. Consistency with the equal sign. I do not make eye contact for that reason. Yet I feel very inhuman when I avoid it when I know that someone is looking at me. It’s like an active smothering of presence as if we can’t feel each other/ I am hungry and want the empanadas that are sitting next to me. What are you at war? Our senses – sense things that give us abilities to know what is good for us and what is not – we must listen to them – We cut shapes instead of ourselves. Wear black to hide and protect instead of mourning. We move to the beats we were too afraid of to cast before. We learn how to feed ourselves after things that make us feel golden. Here is a little piece of joy.