April 19, 2021 The ridge between my fingers are cracking through to the bullshit. I forgot, for awhile why I am here on this planet. Sorry. I’m back now. Here, I’m energizing myself – listening to the peace dealer, Phil good life, Lori, and quantumkassy with big empress adding the glitter and rainbow light around to shine through the body snatch-rs who are determined to steal my/your/our consciousness – burn personalities, identities that we’ve assumed and roles that we’ve fulfilled and contents that were presently here – April – to accelerate my ascension path – giving us a chance to anchor in the multi dimensional human – – so much bigger than who we thought we were – we think there is something wrong – we splinter off continually – 1 – no longer trying to escape certain situations – who I know myself to be – toggling between -unconscious file that has been with me – if there is any discord that is being felt in my being – it is a file that has been with you – disharmony has been with me all along – relative – imitation that was self imposed that has been with me all along that has been carried over – bad blood – used to operate linearly – the now is synonymous with the quantum field – materialize from the quantum field – ( I don’t even remember where I heard this from) so, now that we’re here. we’re in a psychological info war. the b.s is/are trying, they are trying to get at us in a way that we’ve, for some of us have never experienced before – wondering why am I feeling this this this or what is going on with my psychic abilities all of a sudden, where do these images come from? for myself, why do helicopters show up when I feel in alignment with myself? has it been decades and possibly generations of interwoven self doubt implanted into the cellular structure of my DNA? Whatever the reason, it doesn’t even really matter at this point. I need to slow down. Because we’re already here. we’ve been here all along. I forget where I heard this from but we need to see your now as an interface – situation is a now moment – telephone line to future self – future self is communicating – to anchor in that future time line that I am desiring – probably – funny how they’re gonna try to make a bunch of money off weed but we stopped smoking for months now. walk around and open your eyes because a lot of what you are seeing is not going to be around much longer – “bio terrorism – plan-demic – apocalypse conjunction” – the peace dealer. you are never ever alone. let that sink in deep. the is. “We are calling in Neptune. Neptune is a genie and is granting you your deepest wish.” – the peace dealer. I close my eyes and realize how I don’t have one on deck. This is why I couldn’t blow out my candles on my 30th birthday. They melted into the cake that Chris took home with him, that I gave him on his way out of the car, that Randy was driving, who Dina was sitting next to, where Zach was sitting behind, who bought me and my friends dinner after we broke up a few hours before, after I asked him what we needed to work on our relationship, after he asked me “what sector?”, after I got annoyed at the question because why couldn’t he just answer the question and not ask me another question and why couldn’t I answer his question and why even the question in the first place, unless I already knew the answer which I don’t and so I asked him after various moments of pause if he loved me to which his response was “I don’t know anymore”, is perhaps part of the rubbery ball that I feel in my mind since I was a child – the rubbery ball is my and possibly all the shadows that have come before me. so when I asked “what are we doing together?” to which his response was “I don’t know”, I probably already knew the answer in my heart as it etched itself into my mind, also the fact that I finally understand what that rubbery ball is – I always thought it was just a material substance that I could play with in my mind, sometimes I would have dreams about it, it is very sneaky – it has learned my ways and knows me at times better than I know myself, which is – (now that I am aware of the grave repercussions of ignoring the shadow, of ignoring my intuition as part of my shadow) an illuminious forging into the future, unfolding one irreplaceable realization at a time. how to mold the future so that the past does not repeat itself? what am I being called to call upon for the collective right now? how the face-value adage “history repeats itself” always rubbed me the wrong way – because I believed intrinsically, ah-ha – here is the juicy part of this unfolding irreplaceable realization, is that these “Cummings” – I call them – these mental orgasms – because now the anxiety surrounding not knowing can be slowly let out of the balloon, which I happened to see tonight again after burning some wishes on the roof and commemorating the ceremony with “uproar” by Lil Wyane + the relief was felt. I said it out loud as well, “I feel similarly to how I felt the first time we broke up. relief.” he smiled and said something. it did not take long before the emotions caught up. “Micah is going to miss you so much. I will miss you so much.” he responded with “me too” – we looked at each other for a long time before he exclaimed, “okay food time.” and got out of bed. at 3pm I journaled about the experience, went for a walk and spoke with Shreyash before getting ready for vegetarian dim sum at 77 mulberry street. “I want to be a YouTube content creator.” I told Shreyash, who informed me that he did not get the VISA lottery and will have to return to India in June. “Yeah me too” he said. “what’s stopping us from doing what we really want?” I asked. I forgot the answer but now that I have myself here, the word “fear” is too easy. “fear of failure” doesn’t even cut it. “fear of success” might as well be an aphorism.
it places me in relation – quickly – to a partner – to an option – no matter the current circumstances, the shadow – whatever that aspect is – draws my attention to “being a partner” for someone, who is a viable candidate – this question – when posed in the middle of a song becomes difficult for me to focus on what I am doing, to focus on my pitch, breath, and elongation of sound – like will wiz khalifa ever have dinner with me? googled “aphorism” to search for its spelling and found a poster by June M. Campbell – quickly – catch the shame rabbit – it comes – no offense to rabbits – I love rabbits – but the quickness and dexterity that it possess – coming for your … for my…sense of self – eradication of poverty is the eradication of my shame – and perhaps yours – when I saw this poster –
– it wouldn’t let me stick it onto the page until I realized that I was using work from someone who passed away last year – but the uncanny bit – haha – of where my remorse came from, is how I assumed that the writer was male and then went off into a narrative in my mind about “oh wow funny – this is how the man recognizes the presence of the feminine, as something “familiar” – now realizing – that the “mistakes” are actually launch pads into deeper knowing about myself – it is a very cool but very scary – when not buckled in with tools to pull myself back to reality – now I get that phrase – thank you Eminem forever and always – following what curls my brain power into recognizing that the hoops are worth jumping through unless – loved that auto correct has Eminem’s name as a suggestion – if it is not done with love, it will not work – that was message when I tried dragging the screenshot image of the poster below into the blank space – only only only until I realized that my heart was elsewhere, did the blue line present itself to me – who was it this whole time – blue flame – blue flame is the love that sacrifices itself for the yellow to emerge – the heat on the lighter butt – the hottest scenario – who did not call or check up on them – I did not call or check up on them – through trauma realizations about our fears are elaborated upon and the pride that gets in the way is poison – another hoop to jump through – might lose a leg or two along the way if not careful – a limb – a phantom limb – regeneration – pauses of perception – you read minds like the sky – untruths fall flat and sometimes there is nothing to be done except continue to dig for the gold – but sometimes it gets uncomfortable and too painful to continue – yet it is only when the doors – haha – are pryed open – haha – that the emergency exit is found and there will always be linoleum behind your feet – because if it was hot lava you would be dead – or at least – an image of your actual body would be but your eternal flame would watch from a distance moving in the wind laughing maniacally at the onslaught of what doubt causes – it changed doubt to Dwight – now when I try to access the internal flame within myself it – the it – perversion – senseless fear – because if torture created the results we wanted – electricity to light homes not to kill – flame thrower – lit up gas tanks – thank god for lists – and the alone time in bed – all of this feels too familiar – like I turned 24 again – the boys on the court playing ball said I looked 20 – I’ll take that thank you very much – tonight I taught two kids how to shuffle – one of them came up to me on his electric scooter and just stood behind me – what Is love – I gave him one of my ear pods – I was listening to “Thru Your Mind (feat. Salo) by Bassboy, Salo” his friend who he called out to, I asked ” that’s your friend. Who are you?” he looked at me and like a real New Yorker spat the question back at me “who are you?” I said my name – he repeated it – gave me back the ear pod and said “okay.” and left.
Tangential lines included: not forgetting the lessons – looking at a plastic spray bottle by the sink and getting repulsed – realizing that carries a vibration that I’ve tried to escape my whole life – mother vibes – this is why – that seance – coming up – doesn’t want to be spoken into yet will need to be brought into light – the ties I did not make tidy with my mother have cited itself within the vibrational frequency of plastic – this is why it feels so personal – if I am to stay here I am to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning where minimal sirens detach me from this beautiful process – this is why I can’t go to sleep earlier – because I lose out – or – I am to sleep at 7pm and wake up at 3am to get to this – but my morning routine takes 3 hours so that gets me only really 2 hours of this sweetness – this sweet sweet sweet silence – elongated silence – this is so delicious – being made to go to bed to fit the route to hell is why I left and remained untethered to – of course, sirens are going off in the distance now – that I have made anything absolute – uh oh – 77 is a long way to go – why I play dice with the universe – to accomplish anything, the chaos must be handled – this is a folly – it makes me hurry through things – it makes me – I allow it to – I give my permission – away – to be handled – for me – on behalf of my personhood – a ratifying realization – of how I am to pull myself together – and into something else – my eyes – given – god – given – thank you for this body – to feel – we were put here to feel – that was the whole point – when we feel we are moved and when we are moved we snap back to reality – lil waynes dad was shot and killed and thrown out of the car – his middle name was rabbit – will need to write an email to the students who interviewed with me a few days ago – I am finally hiring people – probably not a good idea to tell them that I was going through a break up but I cut professionalism and its dirty counterpart of pretentiousness in half with my wit – and charm – you cannot pigeon hole me into a box you dirty whore – hahaha – yikes – capitalism doesn’t like being called that – okay. in- name calling is bullying – I don’t wanna be a bully anymore – so I will handle my triggers and face my fears – of success – haha – bothering me again when I do not include the laughter of irony – APG said something about being found out – when one is hidden one does not risk capture – I am a dolphin seeking refuge underwater – you do not know me – this was truth – is – and still becoming – slowly moving alongside my own mystery of which I longed for – to admire and witness or at least in its simplest form to understand and in that desire I lost – the teachings of myself for myself are the cruelest lessons in a scheme that is unknown – the hyperbole just another sliver into insecurity – a fly kisses my bottom lip – at least im still getting some action – that is when it becomes performative – pejorative – pirogies across the poetry project – my birth chart – 7th house is in Sagittarius – what a journey back to myself – like hello just in time before Aries season ends – the lucrative dynamite blows – his alarm goes off for the last time in this house –
“This is a wishing mushroom. Comment to make a wish” by @lunarlilt “that’s plagiarism!” “oh shit no they don’t know about that, they didn’t go to college” “free education!” I did not get to my wish yet – part of the rubbery ball, lessons from a breakup – I shall title that a letter to – TBC