Originally posted December 29, 2020
my attention. Creating cycles around an already circular platform of thought. Guitar picking. Somber wanting. Touching sensitively the grass looking forward to lunch. Started the yin yoga week with Kasandra – Tuesday is orange – sacral, made orange French toast – bread from the Mexican bakery down the road, the owner let me off with $1.50 debt – they picked two cards – realizing how with the current situation in the world, people are choosing to go inward to answer the questions they pick for themselves. The smiles that happen across the counter. People remember me. They trust me. I have a responsibility to not ruin that trust. There is a deep well within me that causes me to doubt myself or to ruin what I have that is good. This might be ancestral and felt moment to moment. I burnt the French toast. I have a hard time doing one thing at a time. Transmute racism. What is the fear behind fear? Mental thoughts are a reflection of our subconscious – our prying open the door – allows for the mirror to be momentarily cut – a shard breaking another possibility into bloom – what keeps arising within the regions that used touring as a dream – I saw the amount of powdered sugar that went into the rice Krispy treats and told Cynthia “it’s crazy how much cognitive dissonance is asked of us to be here”. To keep the job going – we keep it going – gong – cold on the roof – must keep writing – because up here I am alone – and sitting in the open allows for the remembering – chains jangle in the back – calling attention to the islamic purging that is happening in china now – If I pause here to conduct further research – all my jobs are research – a commitment – to understanding this moving machine – something in motion is harder to capture than something that is stationary – movement is therefore essential. Should you want to catch the flying beast – I saw a t-shirt that read “wake me up when I’m rich” – as if sleeping is going to get you there – unless that statement was taken from a dialogue someone said – a story behind the saying – not understanding the repercussions – a narrative spun – someone makes a bet or takes a risk that involves the time frame of 8 hours – 12 hours of sleep – someone who worked really hard and then said that in passing because they knew the effects of their hard work + a warning – to remain – strive for – consistency – Why is that important and crucial for the full development of every area? To cultivate the practice of cultivating new habits. To experience life through experiment filled by curiosity – archive our work for ourselves – we are all different artists – there is expression – truth arises from pure expression – expression without far-fetched fear – fear is also a blanket – of comfortability – to clean out the fear, one has to confront one fear every day – decide what that fear is for yourself and meet it wherever it needs to be understood. The plastic terror. Everyday I am asked to confront this and this. There has to be a better way to organize these findings. A persona is an uncovering of the shield. What lies beneath might be the casting of someone else’s net into the Ocean of Refusal. A rolling upstairs. Heaven is asking me – to feel into this place of non-love – he walks down the stairs – and goes into the bathroom – I hear him switch on the light – the many impasses – what I feel now is constraint – a need – and perhaps it is this need that shuts me off from him – because there is a want – and inherently, that causes me to barricade – instead of an embrace – of where attention goes – however, when in the process of work, one might need to create shields where attention is not robbed – and therefore caught – in the act – of wanting – Something – attention – wonderment – a projected slippage of my own mistakes – unwarranted – heart opens in a way that does not require you to check in on me – this state that I need to be in – allows for the words to follow in a pattern of honesty – hopefully the awareness of where my state is, where it has been taken, is a reminder to love yourself – I read that today – and thought about how true that was between us – standing up – I decided it was – because of remembered understanding and – pause – The ands come too quickly with me. Where the mind just went – an imagination – not feeling anything – and then feeling something from another borough – the people’s forum didn’t call me back because I probably mis-spelled borough on my resume. i have not changed it. Dyslexia is not an excuse but insistence on perfection is. I tailgate myself into terror. Laughing manually at life’s little jokes. The same feelings expressed. Music is the o.g of friends. Twerk for 10 minutes in front of the mirror to unshackle the chains of trauma. I do not know the inner-psychology of black women – what do we share in common – the wanton desire for something else – our womanhood – curious in nature – tempted to go along with it – investigate the invitation – pause – breathe – a gift – in that moment – to acknowledge a moment – another – attachments are – both – desire doors – and also – threads – traces – back from – Sharifa’s invitation to explore that word to describe under/above/below/into/from words to describe direction – circles – halfway – a quarter third – repeating – cadence – keep making – note taking – investigating –