January 23, 2021
The wind blows above through the ceiling. I hear its bellows and the “bye” loudly of my downstairs neighbor. Micah is seated on the orange carpet and my eyes hurt from crying earlier. I started off the day really productive, listened to a bunch of women on a clubhouse call and was gifted a 6 month course with a business professional on how to get focused and grow capital. Went to Trader Joes. Had Falafal at the round about at Union Park, facing the doomsday clock. The game of life makes me nauseous. The energy of capitalism is insidious and exhausting. I need to do a lot less. Sit in front of my alter and pray. I need to start music making at 9am and practice until I feel good about myself. And then I should take a nap, wake up at 2pm and go to the gym. And then I should eat a salad or something better than crackers and cheese (even though I made it and its f delicious), I should eat an orange everyday (I told ZW that we need to be eating organic because I can taste the difference in the food now and it’s BS) Who do I blame? where can I find a blame number? I want to call them up and give them a non-violent exchange of energy and ask them if they feel good about poisoning our soil and our blood. Someone bought the domain I wanted to buy and they are selling it for $44,973.54. That’s a very precise number.
I stand in the powder room the wind bellows with a heeled hello – soft and orange what does it what – nothing – my who – ego – and the outside world collide – the outside world being the ego and phenomena – ego is enacted – phenomena is witnessed – they arrive from different sources but somewhere along the journey stakes became too high to call out a gamble for a million geese – for me to say no more – if I were to listen to this voice and not the voice of the other – or the same – then I am choosing to not obey – obey my higher self – which will do as she pleases and needs – she is not tied down – to any one place or thing – like a cat – without a love – to bone teeth – a droplet of many hang in nests on the inside of my thigh and I am reminded of the lives that are about to fall out or be dried out – perhaps we are all placed at one point or another, inside someone’s inner thigh – project from the inside the items of where you really came from – what birthed you – unholy men and sons of god no judgment here said it – quickly play your role and discover a truth you might have been too afraid to discover – play with the sides of yearn – I want you to die – is what I said – out loud to the sky – and gods – and agents on the line a something to see perhaps interesting enough for you?
The drama of people’s lives because television has become so bad you are into watching us instead and betting on who will out last the rest? A sick game of Tetris – you said that you had no where else to go people and myself – like me when I cut to the chase – learn the chase – okay – tai chee – ur right that was what I needed to do – I always want to let you go when I am here – because maybe I realize that I didn’t need you – but somehow convinced myself that I did – to keep you around – because you love me – but the question is – do you feel the difference now? Between your Erosion and mine? A reminder – of what I will be remembered for – you will just like that – remembered – is that what I am here for? To be remembered? Long enough – leave a mark long enough to get the message across ? The anonymous miscarriages. Tie shoestrings on cannonballs made from melted carpool arrangements. Afraid to even say hello – What more is there left? I feel like they are waiting for me to cross the other side – what happened to the rest of us? There is no excuse to lie. There is no fault in truth. There is not a moment of fear in televised eyes from the heavens and I don’t mean data lists collected from satellites. Insatiable desire for union with my astral body. Did Buddha really mean this? Or the thing that scratched me and what it makes me aware of when a drop of water falls on my right wrist someone else got theirs cut off – The world of war – segment is customary – shooting griffins off into outer space licking mice in a corner with some dotted care free style lace – two thumbs and a moment of clarity nothing escapes I don’t even care if it wants to say goodbye to me leave me alone then I would rather be with Micah and the birds the bees and the river that I will swallow into my mouth without fear of some shit that someone else hears the doubt it dismays I cover my artificial mouth with two genders and a cover up story about underwear never lie again my left toe it sings a song of thank you the debris on the stick pole reminds me that I need to maintain my balance especially these next few days – to slow down a little and breathe – thank you for breaking up with me again – I am healed – there was nothing there because now it becomes clearer it was all meant to be in doubtless unfolding a trust so deep that it wavers only the unsure and the more one ties together the harder it feels to be – seen – 8 – like forgetting becomes self indulgent not letting it get to me can sound as narcissistic – my power or defense mechanism? Not so that you will – Moving on – quicker next time – the web is a tangly mess – lessons must be learnt the hard way – I keep my leg over my heart? What am I saying good night to? What do we have to say to each other that is already not spoken for in our actions? I dance around the poetry that surrounds not really an accomplishment to continue – when the stakes are not the same – what was I glorifying in suffering? To care without letting it ruin the inside – the extended understanding without compromising ones – to give anonymously – to take care of myself before giving away – to trust that I will get mine when it is time – to reverse is to transmute the item that was profited off of – to build and reconcile – to never give up on – to always keep trying – because when one understands the role one has to play – for other segments to enter – then one must always be living from a place of love – the trick for my thing-Ed self is to remember. I spot my own reclusive habits – The joke. Ring – Being thank you for breaking up with me No thank YOU for breaking up with me – Let’s break up but stay together – Break up from the relationship – and live as two individuals who have chosen to move forward together – promises really mean I will be there as a friend guardian and keeper of your heart, no matter what happens – it’s not really about being my husband or boyfriend or partner or roommate – it’s about proximity and ability – romance from the idea or concept that a forever doesn’t change – what it ruptured – What has already been broken.
Singing this morning was harder than I wanted it to be – I didn’t get my dance in yet – maybe that’s why I feel tense and conflicted – the devil wants me to know that he is here among us – and he sees it all and knows all our secrets just like god does – our role is to perform the self the best the truest to our abilities and let the rest fall – where they need – a do it for them sign in orange is stuck on a thing on the train above the woman who is sitting across from me- next to the orange sign is a picture of a black family – who am I doing this for – a question asked again a clue into my selfish heart – myself – I do this for myself – and the morality of the current stance tells me I am wrong for doing that – I personally do not want to wake up in a world with plastic because a world with plastic is a world still with the poverty of soul – it is an indicator that things aren’t and have not changed – If plastic still exists as a material in the future, it means the structural things that have been historically fucked up, have not actually changed. Love – it hardens in the sun – softens when the wave of knowing comes swallowing us up – a whiff of perfume and a change of scene – the demons want in and the birds fly away – The clock reads 7 years and 94 days 17 hours and 21 minutes – When they hurl their insecurities at the world, by revving their engines or slamming doors, ignore your thank you, or pretend like they didn’t say that thing, encase that moment with your own divinity, sign your presence in that moment, yawn and walk away. Here’s a little slice of joy.