January 28, 2021
Listening to Evan on Soundcloud and googling higher frequency arppegios and pedal steel sounds.
Music makes me a better person. I want to be the correct version of myself at all times. Somewhere along the way I let the poison in for too long and then became addicted to pain. Tension lives now in my legs when I go more than 24 hours without stretching my body. It makes me bite my nails. My mother commented on my LinkedIn video and now I am understanding that as soon as I think I am strong enough to handle something, LIFE comes with a bag of the unknown to test this new found capability.
I played “Torn Apart”, “Louisiana” and “Luv U” tonight. There is so much I regret about my life. They said to not have regrets but I do. Maybe to not have regrets is to have them but then to reconfigure the moments, dive in anyway, replace the regret with understanding, lessons, notes –
and something tells me to not write course correct but I keep coming back to that – like a knowing that I keep making true by the sheer power of my mind – tonight I bit my pointer finger – I do not let myself get enough sleep for reasons that I cannot explain. I need to take better care of my body. do less, I hear quantumkassy say, do less. and yet I fill my days with activity and assignments as if turning my phone off and playing music was the worst thing I could possibly do.
I make more money now being unemployed than I was working 4 jobs.
They don’t want you to know that your time is worth more than a 401k. They don’t want you to know that spending time with yourself and learning about who you are is health insurance for life. They don’t want you being plugged into your own complexity because that means no one is watching their news stories and getting anxious and worked up that they justify sending their sons and daughters to kill strangers in a land they have never been to before. They don’t want you to understand your intrinsic worth because that means Maybelline and L’oreal can’t convince you that you are ( so they are too, and you are only if they are too but that’s never really said, not in front of your face at least)
Artwork by Ramin Nazer
A sign that I need to calm down is when I feel tension in my face. If I am holding tension in my face it means that I need to reground. I think I am finally realizing what it means to prioritize my peace and happiness. To serve myself by being myself. This is what is getting me to turn up to the page everyday, or every other day. This is what is reminding me not to apply for any more jobs because I already own a business and the whole point of even starting a business was so that I did not need to work for anyone and yet I still accepted an interview on Friday. Maybe it is my curiosity for new things or an addiction to progress that I haven’t resolved within myself yet. Hunger was a theme today. I might be thirsty and my body is unsure because I haven’t danced in two days or did yoga in almost 3. Which is a sign that I am subconsciously letting myself slide back into danger zone. At least now I can recognize the signs. Sure enough, tonight my mother got a hold of me. Normally I am not circling around the same spheres but the lack of sleep and self care has me back in dangerous water. Realizing that I both want to love my mother and need to avoid her is messy. I fold it in. Craving Chee Chong Fun which means I need to get a Cantonese Rice Noodle Rolls Machine, (or someone can gift me, I am open and ready to receiving gifts) and Chwee Kueh which means I need silicon baking cups . I want to be so useful to the world one day that as soon as Amazon sees my cart it instantly buys whatever is inside of it and finds a way to send it to me. because I might be on top of a mountain rearing sheep and growing radishes for my never ending supply of Chwee kueh. Maybe tomorrow’s Talking Tammy Thursdays shall bring me on a hunt for Chwee kueh. If you’re in Singapore, here is a Chwee kueh guide. Not helpful if you’re not in Singapore. Maybe this is meant to be and I am supposed to spend some of this stimulus money on moulds and going to Chinatown to find preserved radish. We have a titties for change story-telling event tomorrow so I should probably stay home, edit the footage we shot with Susan today and the podcast with Beejal and get ready for that (see doing things again) I feel like when I release the pressure to make it a thing I can breathe a little easier – complexities come with expectation and anxiety and there I go again holding tension in my face. I should get ready for bed. I’m supposed to be in bed by 11pm every night and wake up at 6am so that I can get in my three hours of alone time but here I am up at 245am and I will probably wake up at 930-10am – get a late start and then feel like the day is gone by 4pm. Resilency – realized that I don’t have very much time on this planet and any more time spent in worry and stress is me missing the entire point of being here. I release old habits of pain addiction and move towards freedom, peace, serenity, yummy candles, bath bombs bought on Etsy without guilt, long yoga sessions without anything else going on (I’ve been doing yoga with clubhouse in one ear) while I’ve managed to tap into great rooms and make fantastic connections, it takes me out of the flow and I end up feeling like one of those hyper-busy executive producers with the turtle necks and the Prada shoes and prescription to anxiety medication…and naps without shame. I could do the napping without the dread when I wake up like omg did I just sleep through more sunlight? Growing up in Singapore conditioned me to believe that I was never good enough. This toxic relationship with that hang up has made me immune to satisfaction. As I move closer to my 30th birthday, I embrace the changes that I am consciously making that will dig me deeper into my truth. This hasn’t been easy because I feel more alone than I ever have before even though I am part of all these networks and communities I’m not really sharing myself with anyone. Not in the ways that I am learning about who I really am and letting parts of my old self die away. Friendships have died. Maybe there is a chance at renewal but it doesn’t feel like that right now. Maybe time needs to bloom and we need space apart to understand and reconfigure our selves before we can enter into presence with each other again. Maybe they needed me to be one way for them to accept me? Maybe it actually is that simple and the changes that I go through that is bringing me closer to the person I am meant to be is uncomfortable for them as it was uncomfortable for my family. Maybe this part about being alone is a reminder of where we really come from. I don’t think we have friends in space holding our hands or taking IG pictures with us as we orbit the galaxies. This sense of aloneness is healthy. It is not meant to make us feel isolated. It is a chance of renewal and remembering of our true selves. We are source. We are everything. There is nothing to hide from and nothing to regret. Each moment is a new moment. Wow. I’m impressed at how I just swung myself out of a depressive divot that quickly. I am g-d going to sleep now goodnight. Here is a whole lot of joy. Oh George Lee, my other hero. https://mnartists.walkerart.org