January 13, 2021 “GREATNESS AND COMFORT DO NOT GO TOGETHER” – CATHY HELLER
Sept 29, 2020
Where am I really from?
Micah’s belly.
What if everyone’s experience of reality is a religion? The moment of being in awe of another for extended periods of time leads to idolization – in the act of that, we forget ourselves and our godliness. This is why everyone has their own code where their religion becomes what one folds one’s life around.
The Japanese word “Heragei” – a heightened state of awareness where one cannot hide the truth because it is always conveyed through other ways of expression and energy.
What wealth does to people – not being real and nice and authentic – hiding behind wealth – realized I changed when I wasn’t struggling anymore – my intensity about what I cared for and how I cared for it shifted – I could now afford bubble tea whenever I wanted – what is the real issue here? – that the plastic industry/boba tea industry has failed (failed because they understand how much plastic is being used but there has not been a shift to make any changes – is it harder to tackle because of the cultural industry that it comes from – china + industrialization = plastic production without active consciousness?
Re-shifting our focus away from capitalism + money –» entering relation through self-love —» (do I actually want to be around people?) –» creating new spaces where spirit and body are not required to interact with labor and people who demand for you to produce capital to be there / participate – how we integrate the current motorized transactional landscape methodology into the future that does not prioritize money over people.
“Part of feminine alchemy is having the ability to completely love yourself with whatever shadow is arising – when you are in reaction – when you are in the middle of a reaction that is when you can reprogram that reaction” – I forget where I heard this from
I am responsible for my own journey of becoming. I can blame the world for not accomplishing what I have set out to do, or, I can take accountability by being the person I know I need to be for this work to get done. Without intellectualizing this – which means I probably already am, is being of service. Unsure where I fit in, which room is meant for me to be in on clubhouse, which conversations I am supposed to be a part of – almost immediately I want to retract all of that because that is me giving my power away to the confusion which is really a blessing and a direction that is mine – it might not make sense to anyone else because they are not me – I feel like doing what I do most of the time requires me to stay true to what I am called to do, even if it makes little sense to people on the outside. I am so tired of hearing people tell me to pick one thing and to stick with it. The full saying of “jack of all trades, master of none” actually ends with “but often times better than a master of one.” Thank you Kris Bradley. A regular day for me looks like this: Wake up either at 530am or 11am – it depends what I have going on that day and what time I went to bed the night before. But I open the day with 30 mins of a collection of Druid Cards, Co-Star, Rumi, Tarot, Bible study, free-associative writing from Julia Cameron’s The Artists’ Way, followed by a course section on manifestation by Mandy Morris, then 20 minutes of Transcendental meditation and some form of Chakra balancing yoga. After which I head into food or emails or gym time. After that it depends on what needs to get done. There is splitting of time between music, writing, reading, or planning. It’s all a cleaning out of the stuff. There’s nothing to fear about fucking up. Everyone fucks up. It’s the fear of fucking up. That fucks you up. The sound of chains in the distance. Overcoming PTSD is a full time job. I need to start feeling again. #VeganizeBodegas
BREAK UP LETTER #1, 2021 New Moon in Capricorn. Dear Unorganized Procrastination, There is a car outside on the street with black tainted glass windows that is refusing to move even after the light turned green. It’s 337am. I only knew about its existence because the car behind it honked for a good while. It’s still there. This is why I love New York City. I can only imagine someone getting head at the stop light and refusing to move because its the new moon and getting head – except now a cop car just drove by – they are stuck – this is how I feel when I go through my google drive, the notes section on my phone and on my laptop, notes from note books from 2015, pieces of paper in drawers, uh oh – now the cops are getting out of their car, and walking over to the car that has stopped, someone has passed out in the drivers seat, now they are talking to him, people are so exhausted that they are falling asleep at stop lights – one officer doesn’t even have on a mask. I want to push my window down and yell at him hey officer put your mask on but now they are all leaving and my moment of excitement is wrapped up, once again reminding me that I am in need of some serious focus – that’s okay I just got 18 crystals off Amazon and Etsy so I can work on my crystal grid tomorrow and you bet your ass is getting written down on a piece of paper – I am a focused and directed individual – Moon Calendar says to write these affirmations and intentions in the present tense. How did it get this way? How did we end up here? I am purging what I have allowed to nestle around in my auric field. We are currently in the fifth book of Harry Potter. I should probably re-watch the movie before I make such claims. I have a meeting tomorrow with Akiera Gilbert who is…I forgot I got distracted and wanted to find out her information on IG but instead sent videos from the family road trip part two to my laptop in the attempt of cleaning out memory, space, and getting organized so that I can work on making a family movie with a soundtrack probably from some music that I am working on – these projects – all these projects – it’s what I do – some people wake up at 4am and perform open heart surgery and save lives, I spend my unemployment checks on minerals and cast organizational spells. Tonight, or really, this morning, I will remember to shower with the black soap and not forget. I was tempted to fall asleep on the couch and not take a shower but I feel like that will be foolish of me. There is much that I am leaving out of this letter to you. Back on topic of our breakup – moving forward, as the new year – which really starts in March – begins, I am not bringing this with me into the next decade – if I get that long to live – death is always knocking somewhere it seems. Realizing that I am morbid on the insides. Day 2 without yoga or meditation. Tomorrow will be day 3. I am not quite sure why I lose focus like this. Another reason why I am breaking up with you. It’s not like the procrastination is delegated with sections labeled for another use-time. No, these are nameless articles that point to my history – I know I will need to use these when The Time Comes – I dare not even write of it – I am almost 30. We have out grown each other. This simply will not do any longer. Disenfranchised. I can’t wait to make my crystal grid and get rid of you this year. I am so looking forward to my organized, minimalistic life where I do not stress eat raisin challah bread at 2am. I can’t wait to know exactly where everything is when I open my Google Doc, or have a system in place that allows for me to find the exact thing I am looking for when I need it. I have gotten pretty good at this but I can do better. I deserve better. My projects deserve to bloom. I deserve to feel like I deserve an editing software that will allow me to make cool videos. I also need to remember to break up with my reading habits – or rather, my attention span habits – I tend to only give things a fraction of my presence which might account for me not reading contracts or instructions all the way through. But that is for another post. Tonight I deleted 29 videos and one more month of blog posts. Shower time. Here are many slices of joy.